Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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