i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
