Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
