i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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