I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
