worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
