When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
