chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I still have a little drunk in my system
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
