You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
