i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
