I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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