I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
