I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My ass is underappreciated
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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