Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
