As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
