No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
