I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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