I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
