I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
