i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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