awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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