Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
