Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
