I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
