i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
