I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
