he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
