She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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