Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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