he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
