I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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