Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
