I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
FUCK WHALES
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
