Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
