I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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