i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
