Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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