I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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