god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
