I saw his package. It spoke to me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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