Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
