shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
