cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
