Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
