Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
