How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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