So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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