Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
