thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
