can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
